Moving on

It's been quite a while now - sadly I'm a bit sick, having caught a VERY mild cough. However, in post-cancer land, this means antibiotics. Nevermind. I get worried whenever anything seems wrong, whenever I have a slight itch, whenever I feel a bit sick. Any twinges to the neck, anything like that, I'm worried straight away.  I think the long term mental effects will always be there.

The final scan is the first week of September. The second week of September I have my final meeting with the doctor. After that, I hope life will return to normal. It's all a bit confusing, because it's like there's a limbo between being happy it's the end of therapy BUT I don't have the final end outcome yet. I'm trying to forget about it for now, but it's still like the final block on moving on.

Apart from that, everything has been slowly reverting back to normal; whatever normal means. I've returned to my job, returned to having a fairly active social life, and am trying to write about my experiences in the hope that it'll be cathartic. I used to write a lot of poetry in the past, but it's tough.

Here's an effort for this week:

Thomas is my NHS name
They'll all say it when they see me -
"Hi Thomas, I'm..."
"How are you today, Thomas?"
"We're going to put the needle in now, 
Thomas
The canulla is going in now"
"I'm sorry for the pain, Thomas -" 
She said, as I dry wretch
"Your veins are bent out of shape;
It's because the chemo drugs
Has clotted them all up so
They don't flow so well anymore"

"If you'll lay down on the slab, Thomas"
"Thomas, here's your chair for today"
We'll do what we can to keep you alive,
Thomas; my body was broken and 
Couldn't fix itself - 
It was eating itself
And replicating itself
And misreplicating itself
And duplicating itself
And misduplicating itself and
Killing me

"Thomas, you've done really well - 
As far as I'm concerned, 
You're in remission"
You've got no hair, you've got weird nails,
Your immune system is shot
And your muscle has wasted away
But he's alive, is Thomas -
I'm not sorry to say I hope
To never see you again