Another buzz cut

I've had my head shaved right down now. No crying this time, though!

thug life

I'd hoped that I could get through the final few treatments without having another one - where it was still present, my hair was growing back fairly evenly (save a easily concealed bald patch back by my crown). However, unfortunately, my hair had started to fall out right at the front in a big patch, with a clear patch developing over the last couple of nights which was pretty obvious, so I just thought **** it, best get it done.

I can't ever remember having hair this short! I guess I've gotten rather used to my circumstances now though; I didn't get all weepy telling the hairdresser to cut it to #1 this time, and happily explained to him that I was having chemo. It only occurred to me after I'd left the barber's that it might've been a bit of a shock for him to hear that I was going through it - to me, that just seems to everyday now.

I was back at work today and experiencing something odd. I've told them the good news and people were - and have been - congratulating me. It's kind of weird, but I think people expect me to be ecstatic or overjoyed; instead, I'm quite ambivalent about the whole thing. Maybe it's the trudge of treatment that has made me a bit nihilistic, but the feeling I felt in accepting people's congratulations was a bit fake. I'm hugely grateful for the amazing and heart-touching support I've received, but it did feel odd people congratulating me like I'd won a marathon or something and I felt oddly like a bit of a fraud... all I've done is just endure the chemo and the side effects, as anyone would. But I know people mean well and I still feel touched, despite the oddly incongruous feeling I'm recording here.

Anyway, no big deal, of course at my core I'm hugely relieved to be, apparently, cancer free. As I've said to people (I work in sport, remember), I feel like I've won the title but still have a few games left to play. Three more (I hope it's just the three) and radiotherapy still loom, just as the original plan stated. Maybe the consultant on the 22nd will give me different news but, as it is, it doesn't feel like much has changed (despite the fact that everything has).

Tom