Today, whilst working, I found myself working slowly and forgetting whether I'd done the same thing a couple of times. I was looking for something in Tesco and found myself rechecking the same thing twice. It's never happened to me before.
Since I started chemo, I've been feeling a little bit slow, a little bit disassociated. It's a little bit like I'm having trouble making connections between basic things - for example, yesterday, there were points where the conversation (not particularly deep or anything, just about normal things) would literally wash over me and I'd find myself feeling completely lost from it.
I spoke to one of my Macmillan buddies, asking her about what's happened to me. Here's what she said:
"[It's] another side effect: head feels full of cotton wool, can't follow conversations, forgetting words, takes an age to process information, emotionally disconnected.
I felt like I was in a bubble and everyone else was outside the bubble and kept walking past not seeing me or talking to me. I felt like I'd never laugh again! And I like laughing.
The chemo brain/fog stayed with me into early remission... it is a real pain when you're in the middle of it."
So there we go. Speaking to other members of the community on Macmillan confirms it. It's a real thing. I have "chemo brain" And, if I'm honest, it's all a tad scarier than I thought it would be.
I mean, I'd accepted and had appreciated that I would have some body discomfort. Some pain. And I've recently noticed that, despite trying to work out, muscles are wasting.
But I hadn't really considered that my mental state would be altered and that my brain would slow down as my body goes through these shocks.
But I hadn't really considered that my mental state would be altered and that my brain would slow down as my body goes through these shocks.
It's frustrating, frankly, and I feel bloody annoyed to be so doddery sometimes. I'm 25 not 75. As I've always felt more confident in my brain than my body - I was never the sort to think I could outrun or outfight someone, but I would always be confident I was smarter - this has been a fair bit harder to deal with. It's a pretty core part of who I am which is being strained by the chemo.
For example, I used to start writing these blogs and the words would fly off my fingertips and a theme would form seamlessly, the thread of the narrative crafted in my mind with ease and conveyed, I hope, with eloquence on the (web)page. But I've had to reread and rewrite this entry quite a few times, which says something in itself.
For example, I used to start writing these blogs and the words would fly off my fingertips and a theme would form seamlessly, the thread of the narrative crafted in my mind with ease and conveyed, I hope, with eloquence on the (web)page. But I've had to reread and rewrite this entry quite a few times, which says something in itself.
Of course, I accept it is inevitable as a part of my treatment in me getting better, a byproduct of the healing process. But still it's a bit more difficult than feeling a bit ill or a bit tired. I just hope it isn't lasting. Either way, I'll keep going - I'm sure I won't be trapped in this weird little state forever.
As I said, Sunday was 2 months before the end of chemo. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other, really - it can seem like a long time now, but it inexorably counts down and really isn't that long. There's *only two months of the football season left. Seems a lot closer in that context.
So I'll keep willing myself using some mental resources I never knew I had. And I'll believe - feel - know - that I will be able to put the pieces of me together again at the end. After all, we only ever bend and break so we can put ourselves back together again.
T
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