Tough days

I'm not going to deny it. Yesterday was difficult. Probably my first day of being really hit down by everything. My nausea has gone now, as has the prickliness in my veins. But that's the physical symptoms. Mentally, it's been tough, and it's difficult to articulate how I'm doing on days like that.

[For easily worried relatives - I'm not suggesting I am depressed. I'm just using this to air some thoughts]

Let's have a go, though:

I guess before this point I'd been feeling like being off work and being at home with the Playstation was like a mini-holiday every few days; a bit of fun.

jaded cancer patient

This cycle it hasn't really felt like it. I've felt quite tired and a little more disassociated with  the world at large - especially as I see and hear about people's lives progressing all round me. To reuse an analogy, it feels a bit like a breakup - everything feels a little colourless and a little less meaningful, a bit like you're consciously waiting out time (which, of course, I am).

 I worry I'm losing touch with relevance. I worry about how my life has (necessarily) drifted in these 6 months, whereas everyone else's has progressed. Though - as one friend said, which made me snap out of it somewhat - maybe I am grievously overestimating how much people can get through in 6 months.

As usual, I'm not able to sleep properly either so my eyes are all darker than normal (see right). This is definitely not a good look for me. I'm also beginning to see my hair is falling out a bit more; I did a workout earlier on and saw a lot more hair in the bath than before.

It's all a bit difficult to eloquently express, I suppose. I know I shouldn't really feel down too much, and things could be worse. And, also, I guess it's healthy to feel upset. It's just such a long way to go still: I worked out that until May 8 (chemo 8) it's 65 days... 65... dear me. I can see a bit more why people say it's a battle, why people say it's a fight - it definitely feels like a nihilistic trudge.

Wow this is poorly written - I'll revisit this someday and prettify it.

I am better today. Obviously, I have no choice but to get on with it... and I'm looking forward to going back to work and getting my normal life back on course in a couple of months' time. As boring and straightforward as it was, it was still mine. And will be mine again. Just a bit better informed and infused with a bit more meaning.

I can't wait to break these cycles and beat cancer: f*ck off, cancer.

Onwards and upwards
T.