Diagnosis

I'm Tom, I'm 25 years old and live in London, England

On 31st December 2014 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I'd been ill with the flu in November of 2014. I'd also had some like little things pop up in my neck a while before that which the doc said were innocuous. Then, towards the end of December, I'd noticed that I had some nodes or whatever they are pop up in my neck, and a lump had started to grow beneath them. I'd had some form of glandular fever around January I think - I had had some stuff pop up in my lower neck (always on my left side) before but they'd receded. I was also feeling knackered - more knackered than ever, I'm normally incredibly bouncy and enthusiastic - toward the end of the year. We'd had a big project at work - I work in sports research - so I'd attributed it to that and it being the end of the year. I'd also had some itching all over my body and was trying to find a cause - allergy to something or other, I'd thought. Anyway, after the lump popped up and, particularly, when my dentist felt it and also expressed concerns, I rushed to get an appointment with my GP.

I went to the doctor who urgently referred me - at that time, it was to "rule out the worst case". Obviously, I got really worried and upset as it was a cancer referral. But I spoke to friends and associated doctors who told me it was a really low chance that anything particularly malignant was going on - probably just glandular fever or a post viral infection. My family were going to Japan over xmas and had a bit of a period of uncertainty as to whether we should actually leave with that hanging over us. I'm glad we did.

On New Year's Eve, I went to see the head and neck specialist. He felt the lump and thought, too, that it was something innocuous and had me have an ultrasound to confirm it. The ultrasound technician, though, said it wasn't what he suspected and "looked like glandular fever". Two shots from both sides of my neck (which was a shock - I didn't know it was in the right side) and my diagnosis was confirmed.

I could tell from the consultant's body language that it wasn't good. He took me by the hand and told me what I had. I went out of body, I think. I don't remember too much, only him saying what it was, my Mum asking what the cause was (none - bad luck) and I asked a few questions but I don't really think I've retained too much.

It's been 6 days since then. I've been variably busy with friends and family, but it's been really scary. I don't think I've slept restfully.

Tomorrow, I have a biopsy on the affected area from which they assess my condition.

Mentally, I feel so mixed up. It's a heady concoction of denial (it doesn't feel like it's me), sadness, hope (it's really treatable and the success rate is high), attempts to distract myself and confusion. I don't have the facts yet but once I do then I can mentally adjust and get ready to be treated. But I'm glad they know that there's something wrong, and that it will now be dealt with. All of these are things I need to hold on to.

I'll maintain this blog throughout my time fighting this, up until I am back on my feet again.

I really hope that if someone, somewhere looks this up with the same diagnosis they will be able to derive even the smallest modicum of comfort from the fact that they are not alone and that others go through this too. I won't be giving up on me and will fight, fight then fight some more. If you're reading this in a similar situation, despite the unfortunate nature of this first post, I know I'll say the same to you.

Write soon.

T