The day before (take two)

It's amazing how the music you love changes over time in terms of what it means to you. Some songs become inextricably linked to other people, rendering them unlistenable if those people disappear from your life. Some songs you rediscover some time after you first heard them, and you feel yourself falling in love with them all over again. Others, perhaps the ones that were emblematic of one thing previously, become imbued with a new sense of meaning as circumstances change.
This is one of my favourite songs ever, Runaway by The National. Read over if you will, and/or maybe give it a listen. My emphases below.

There's no saving anything
Now we're swallowing the shine of the sun
There's no saving anything
How we swallow the sun

But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No, I won't be no runaway

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We've got another thing coming undone
And it's taking us over

We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, throw your arms in the air tonight
We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, lose our shirts in the fire tonight

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We got another thing coming undone

But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No, I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No, I won't be no runaway

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We've got another thing coming undone
And it's taking us over

We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, throw your arms in the air tonight
We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, lose our shirts in the fire tonight

But what makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We got another thing coming undone
We got another thing coming undone
And it's taking forever

I'll go braving everything
With you swallowing the shine of the sun
I'll go braving everything
Through the shine of the sun

But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No, I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No, I won't be no runaway

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We've got another thing coming undone
And it's taking us over

We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, throw your arms in the air tonight
We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead, go ahead, lose our shirts in the fire tonight

But what makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We got another thing coming undone
We got another thing coming undone
And it's taking us over
And it's taking forever

I'm sure you can guess the meaning to me now. I'm sure everything will feel like it's taking forever, and it will feel like my world has been taken over during my treatment, but the sentiment of the song will be something I'll stick to throughout; I'm not going to lose, I'm not going to run. 

To link it to tonight, I wrote this time last week how everything going on had made me feel - apprehensive; contemplative; a sense of nervous anticipation. But I guess the thing about anticipation is that you have a highly active period during which time everything rushes ceaselessly arounds your brain as it crackles and chews on what's happening. But, for me anyway, this can't last. The bonds of thought that had absorbed me begin to shrivel and dissolve - much like my cancer will - as I begin to realise that none of the thoughts you can think, without the finality of what you need to know, will ever lead anywhere. I can't deny that I still think them, but it becomes easier to be disciplined about it. 

I think I'm ready to know now. I'll be able to deal with everything, the uncertainty removed. And I'll know for sure what it is, and how long it'll take for me overcome it. Which I most definitely will. 

I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run

Tom